Looks like it’s time for “New Year’s Resolutions.” But we’re not the first. Before he wrote Gulliver’s Travels, a
32-year-old Jonathan Swift wrote some resolutions that he titled, “When I come
to be old.”
Here are some selections from his 1699 list, [[refreshed for
2014]]:
*****************************
Not to marry a young Woman.
[[A “trophy wife”
might seem like a good
idea. But, no.]]
Not to keep young Company unless they reely desire it.
[[Refrain from
saying “totes,” “cray-cray,” or asking for “the deets."]]
Not to scorn present Ways, or Wits, or Fashions, or Men, or
War, &c.
[[Your
grandparents were scandalized by Elvis, your parents banned you from The Sex Pistols,
and you have to deal with Miley Cyrus.
You can unpucker.]]
Not to tell the same story over and over to the same People.
[[If you write it
and put it out there, you’ll never have to repeat yourself.]]
Not to neglect decency, or cleenlyness, for fear of falling
into Nastyness.
[[Turning your
underwear inside out to stretch to a second day is not a good
plan.]]
Not to be over severe with young People, but give Allowances
for their youthfull follyes and weaknesses.
[[We were all 18
once and had it all figured out.]]
Not to be influenced by, or give ear to knavish tatling
servants, or others.
[[Limit your time
on Facebook and Twitter.]]
Not to be too free of advise, nor trouble any but those that
desire it.
[[MYOB.]]
To desire some good Friends to inform me wch of these
Resolutions I break, or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.
[[Have buddies
who’ll call you on your shit.]]
Not to talk much, nor of my self.
[[It’s not all
about you, Hasselhoff.]]
Not to boast of my former beauty, or strength, or favor with
Ladyes, &c.
[[Nobody cares
what you weighed in high school.]]
Not to hearken to Flatteryes, nor conceive I can be beloved
by a young woman, et eos qui hereditatem captant, odisse ac vitare.
[[Hugh Hefner is
surrounded by Barbis and Bambis and twins named Mandy and Sandy.
Why? If you're an old man with a pile of cheddar, watch out
for hungry mice.]]
Not to sett up for observing all these Rules; for fear I
should observe none.
[[New Year’s
Resolutions? Really? C’mon, dude....]]
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