Looks like it’s time for “New Year’s Resolutions.” But we’re not the first. Before he wrote Gulliver’s Travels, a 32-year-old Jonathan Swift wrote some resolutions that he titled, “When I come to be old.”
Here are some selections from his 1699 list, [[refreshed for 2014]]:
Not to marry a young Woman.
[[A “trophy wife” might seem like a good
idea. But, no.]]
Not to keep young Company unless they reely desire it.
[[Refrain from saying “totes,” “cray-cray,” or asking for “the deets."]]
Not to scorn present Ways, or Wits, or Fashions, or Men, or War, &c.
[[Your grandparents were scandalized by Elvis, your parents banned you from The Sex Pistols, and you have to deal with Miley Cyrus. You can unpucker.]]
Not to tell the same story over and over to the same People.
[[If you write it and put it out there, you’ll never have to repeat yourself.]]
Not to neglect decency, or cleenlyness, for fear of falling into Nastyness.
[[Turning your underwear inside out to stretch to a second day is not a good
Not to be over severe with young People, but give Allowances for their youthfull follyes and weaknesses.
[[We were all 18 once and had it all figured out.]]
Not to be influenced by, or give ear to knavish tatling servants, or others.
[[Limit your time on Facebook and Twitter.]]
Not to be too free of advise, nor trouble any but those that desire it.
To desire some good Friends to inform me wch of these Resolutions I break, or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.
[[Have buddies who’ll call you on your shit.]]
Not to talk much, nor of my self.
[[It’s not all about you, Hasselhoff.]]
Not to boast of my former beauty, or strength, or favor with Ladyes, &c.
[[Nobody cares what you weighed in high school.]]
Not to hearken to Flatteryes, nor conceive I can be beloved by a young woman, et eos qui hereditatem captant, odisse ac vitare.
[[Hugh Hefner is surrounded by Barbis and Bambis and twins named Mandy and Sandy. Why? If you're an old man with a pile of cheddar, watch out for hungry mice.]]
Not to sett up for observing all these Rules; for fear I should observe none.
[[New Year’s Resolutions? Really? C’mon, dude....]]