Monday, January 2, 2017

Tubes of meat

We've been coming together every year for going on 16 years. Many of us have moved away from Indiana, off to every corner of the country. But we rendezvous every year to hunt or fish or just to sit around and eat meat and watch "Band of Brothers" for the eleventy-seventh time.

Sure, part of the draw is where we go or what we do. But part of it is listening to the conversations, taunts, schticks, and wisecracks... and trying to get them into a notebook before they drift away with the campfire smoke. We'd hope that outdoor writer and funny guy Bill Heavey, author of titles like If You Didn't Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat? would feel at home around our fire.

These are some of the best from over the years.
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"What are you bringing? I’m bringing some of those meat tubes. Tubes of meat. What do you call those?”
"Summer sausages?"
Snaps his fingers. “That’s it!”


"I don't know. His calls sound a little needy."
"Yeah. He's quacking and all I hear is WHY? WHY? WHY?
It reminds me of my first wife.”



"Was that a mallard?"
"No. That was my zipper."



"You mean I can hunt laying down on this cushioned mattress? I wonder if they'll bring us some of those juice boxes with the little straws. And some of those little cheese crackers."





"Reba. Wynonna. Emmylou. You realize all these hunting dogs are named after female country singers?”


  • "I ain't seen a single squirrel all day. Damn things must have ESPN or something."
  •      "If I don't wear underwear, you can't give me a wedgie."




Coming back with a third helping from the smoker: "Mmmm…. I got the meat sweats."




"Filthy hobbitses..."

  • "I've seen more hair on a bar of soap."
  • "Is Metamucil contraindicated for pork skins?"


Looking at a map while dead-ended on a muddy ATV trail on Cayo Costa Island: 
"Okay, here's what we shoulda done..."


  • Career planning around a fire in South Dakota: “My goal is to have a job where I shower in the evening instead of in the morning.”

  • A hunting guide complimenting the skills of a guy's teen-age son: “Is that your boy?” “Yes, it is.” “Hmmm. Maybe he can give you some lessons.”


"I'm a Dapper Dan man."
"Nice. Do you have a skateboard?"



  • Teenage son, on being on a hunting trip with his father:
    "I like traveling with you. You give me elk sausage and gummy bears. Mom brings pita chips and veggie straws."


"You like my new Traeger smoker? It has folding legs. I call it ‘Lieutenant Dan.'"





Wife to husband, as we're heading into town and referencing his "Pork It Up" tee-shirt: 
"Are you gonna wear that?" which sounded like a question, but wasn't.
After changing into a white polo, his buddy
"Who ya caddying for?"

  • "Abs? I've got a six-pack." Patting his belly. "It's right underneath this pony keg."


  • Asking for clarifying directions on the way to a fishing charter: “Should I stay straight?” Response from the back seat: “That’s been the question for years.”




After accepting three orphaned and mismatched shot shells that the hunting guide dug out of his pickup: 

"Are these the kind that make flowers pop out the end of my gun barrel?"




“Do you think we’re doing something wrong? They seem to be coming in for a look, but then they turn around and fly the other way.
“Kinda like your second and third wives?”


  • “Just because it’s under the floormat doesn’t mean it's invisible.” 

  • As a solo mallard flew fast, north to south, but too high to take a shot: "I think somebody just got a booty call."


"You hotwired a water pump with a paperclip and a chewing gum wrapper? What are you, the MacGyver of Eastern Kentucky?"


  • On the way to Cayo Costa, sitting at the gate in an Airbus with an engine that won’t start: “We should all get out and push. Have the captain pop the clutch.”


Editor: "The typical Gray's Sporting Journal subscriber would consider a year re-reading all of Faulkner as time well spent."
Us: "Have you ever squirted Easy Cheese into a Hot Buffalo Bugle?"

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2 comments:

Leland Dirks said...

Funny, funny stuff... thanks for sharing!

Joe said...

Thanks, Leland. Glad you like!